For my first real “blog” I suppose I should start where the conscious search for meaning and purpose and happiness emerged.
I got clean and sober in my early 20s and after 3 or so years I hit a wall of depression, which I understand is not so unusual for people in similar circumstances. I see it this way – whatever (some of the) potential underlying issues that may have been masked by addiction begin to rise to the surface and be more apparent, e.g., many addicts/alcoholics used substances to self-medicate an underlying chemical imbalance. That was certainly the case for me. My preferred drug combo was speed and alcohol – the speed addressed the depression while the alcohol addressed the anxiety.
I also believe this depression was related to a developmental crisis (see “waking from depression” blog for details). I was working a solid 12-step program, but at a certain point I could not move forward emotionally/maturity-wise without a major intervention, which I received. For two years prior to the intervention I prayed to die every night (I can only wonder what that does to one’s soul overtime). I had no hope. I quit my job. I stopped opening mail, stopped paying my bills, ate poorly and excessively and slept a lot – I am a sleeper eater during depression (as compared to those depressed nonsleeper eaters).
I just wanted to die. Who cares about good credit or body image if I was dead?
Side note on people who commit suicide. I sometimes hear others denigrate people who commit suicide, especially mothers of young(er) children. The comment is something along the lines of, “How could they be so selfish and self-centered to leave their children in this way?” I want to say, in my experience, when you are in that depressed, suicidal place you feel like you are a burden to others and that the world and those around you would be much better off without you. You can really convince yourself of this. That certainly was my mindset, and I don’t imagine I am unique.
Yes, I was in therapy, but I was with a newer therapist who was kind and caring and listened, but I needed someone more experienced, more confident and directive in their approach with experience treating substance abusers. After 2 years, that therapist appeared. Thank God!
A condition of treatment with the new therapist was to see a psychiatrist. Certainly, multiple times the previous therapist suggested medication would be helpful, but with her timidity and my membership in a 12-step program during the late 80’s – a time in which medication was more frowned upon (things are gradually changing there) – I rejected medication as an option.
However, with the new therapist I was at a point of surrender in which I truly opened to the 2nd step. I came to truly BELIEVE a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. This is different from how I previously understood the 2nd step, which was that I simply believe there is a power greater than myself. Now I put faith in believing this power could actually help me. I needed to trust the process, trust the therapist, and trust myself (which was perhaps the first step in the long journey of trusting myself that continues to this day). In this case, that meant, I had to trust that if suddenly, as a result of taking medication, I became someone else, which was my biggest fear – that I would no longer be myself – that I could stop the medication and take the necessary steps to address that.
This therapist also sent me to art therapy. I had been completely blocked for almost 2 years. Talk therapy was not touching the issue. The combination of art therapy, medication, continued talk therapy, a grounding in the 12-steps and quitting a job in which I was floundering, culminated in waking up one morning with hope. I knew the depression was over, it was so clear. That was around 1994 and I haven’t had an episode like that since. For details of this transformational time in my life see my “Waking from Depression” blog
Upon coming out of that depression I began reflecting on my life, when was I most happy? Clearly, I was happiest when I was doing service in my 12-step program/group. In that moment I knew that being of service was the key. Being of service provides the meaning and purpose central to a contented, happy life – at least for me.
This is the overview, for the details see my “Waking from Depression” blog.